Ok, this is weird. I know it’s weird, but I’m wary. I want to write about Rosie, but it could land me in a world of trouble, at least in the eyes of the ‘friends’ I have made over the last few years. Actually, they’re not friends at all, they are keyword-searching crazies attracted by a joke I made five million years ago about the time I and some mates (and an entire open-air theatre audience) found ourselves accidentally witnessing some al fresco frolics in Regent’s Park. I made a joke about – um, how to do this? – d-o-g-g-i-n-g, and have found it to be perhaps my most consistently popular post. Dammit. And now I can’t use the household word for postman botherer/man’s best friend/thing that isn’t a cat.

So who is this Rosie, and how does she fit into these niche and nefarious pastimes? She is utterly blameless. An enchanting, um, small canine personage, whom my dad looks after sometimes and takes for walks. I was staying with my parents last weekend, and Rosie rocked up early on Sunday morning as usual. I was groggily coming to when she belted into my room, jumped onto the bed and sat on my tummy, waggily hoping for a walk. Any person doing that would receive the shortest of shrifts, but Rosie? Lovely.

My mate Chris maintains that everyone should have a four-legged walk-loving food enthusiast on the grounds that they are ‘furry focken Prozac’ (he’s Irish). They are. Get one if you want to be happier. If, on the other hand, you want to boost your SEO (search engine optimization, non-bofs, which is the holy Grail of websites), forget about getting ‘vajazzle’, ‘Bieber’ or ‘Lana Del Rey, hot’ in the first paragraph. Just say dog, doggy, dogging.


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