Stony expression


I’m never keen on eye tests. My vision is fine (20/20, if that doesn’t spoil the punchline) though last Friday’s route march through the darkling city with only a mini A-Z for guidance did feel like a bit of a chore. Streets in the City are tiny, higgledy and don’t have enough space to hold the full name on a map. So you end up with a stub, apparently by the name of Shrtr S. Great. Let’s all look for Shrtr S, children.

Throwing additional grit in the motor, this is in the place where bank buildings are regularly re-faced because their marble cladding wasn’t deemed QUITE vulgar enough before, and afterwards the owners regularly ‘forget’ to replace the street sign so you’ve no idea whether you’re on anything that even approximates to Shrtr S. You could well have veered right off course and be cutting down Ast P or Grd L. Maybe banks don’t feel they’ve been QUITE annoying enough already. Anyway, finally made it through to Cable Street (what a craphole the traffic planners have made of that, btw) as reported below.

So despite a bit of peevish tromboning with the map beside a series of Pret windows, the vision is ok. The appearance of said lustrous orbs, however, is somewhat wanting. Red, scratchy, hideous they’ve been – for about a fortnight now. I’ve been looking like a pissed-up, insomniac squid who plays poker till dawn and sticks its head out of speeding car windows without blinking. I’ve had it before but I couldn’t remember what the optician advised, and as it’s been two years at least since my last test, I thought I’d better get an MOT.

Humourless. I mean not a flicker. Even when she told me I had good vision in each eye but I see better when I used both. I nearly slapped my thigh and crowed, but she was completely not joking. Anyway, after I’d done my ‘A-T-H- um, F?’ for a couple of minutes, she warmed her undead soul by muttering that my vision might be fine now, but I’d need reading glasses in a couple of years (‘It’s inevitable’). Then it was on to eye health – which frankly was the main attraction. The backs of my eyes are fine, but the fronts? Ooh, she said, ooh. Like she hadn’t noticed them already.

Then, because she still had some gas in the tank, she turned my eyelids inside out and used the word ‘cobblestones’ to describe what she found. Cobblestones? God Almighty.


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