It’s all a blank


How has this happened? This never happens. Never. Except it obviously does. It does and has. Or more accurately, it hasn’t. Nothing has happened. Nothing at all – and I’m shitless.

Welcome to the labyrinthine casbah of my academic life, where contradictory ideas are yoked together with sketchily untheorised assertions. Bring on the non-sequitury logic fails. My head’s more like a filthy rookery at the moment, but this weekend will see it all come right. Because I have not yet written a word of my dissertation, leaving 12,000-15,000 still to go. Deadline: 14 Sept. Arsebiscuits!

It was all going so well in Dublin and then I came back and I kinda got stuck. Paralysed, yer might say. And this never happens. Some people thrive on the pressure of deadlines, even claim they need the stress to get going. Not me. I plan, count backwards, leave time for revisions. Anyway, on the plus side, the juddering, racking terror has loosened up the paralysis beautifully, and replaced it with squeaky, unfocused scuttling.

Thus this weekend, while 25% of the population is in terminal 2 queuing up for chick lit and cheap choc; 25% is sitting on the A303; 25% is on a bus replacement service and 24.9999% is nursing a hangover, I shall be typing so fast that smoke from ears and keyboard will be filling the spare room.

Massively irritating neologisms no. 137: Americans call the disembarcation of aircraft passengers ‘de-planing’. I was just grinding my teeth over this (we might have been approaching a peak of unfocused scuttlery) when I saw that that would mean the process of emptying thoughts from head onto paper must be ‘de-braining’. Look, it’s not much, but it raised a smirk. Rare enough, these days.


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