Your call is SO important to me


The bank called me last week. Well, actually it was Alan, micro-minion of the Hong Kong Shanghai Banking Corporation, but he seemed to be worried that I had foolishly bought some financial products from Another Company. He’d come to that conclusion because I appear to own virtually nothing, but how could that be? How could a member of society possibly take their place among civilised people without holding a clutch of loans, a dicky credit rating, a mortgage, several credit cards, all manner of arcane insurance policies and a bone-weary sense of indebtedness? I must be shopping elsewhere.

Oh Alan, Alan, your seed was destined to fall on barren ground the moment you picked my number.

The more baffled he sounded, the more expansively cheery I became. His every suggestion earned a chuckle. Credit card? Have a lovely one, thanks. Mortgage? Oh bless you, poppet, I couldn’t afford a house. Income insurance? Why would I do that, when I know you’ll never pay? Motor insurance? Oh dear me, sweetheart, I haven’t got a car.

That was when Alan finally cracked and asked why not. Well, I said chattily, number 1) I don’t need one, and number 2) between you, me and Hertz car rental in Boston airport, I’m a terrible terrible driver. Rubby axle noises, paintwork screeched off, and that was after only two days: truly I’m uninsurable to any company with an ounce of sense.

Finally, he whipped out the clincher. Life insurance. But it was too late and I was having too much fun. To be honest, I said, I’m taking it all with me. I’ve got it all planned. Me in a coffin stuffed with money, aboard a galleon made of gold, which will be set on fire, punted out into the Solent and then scuppered. It’ll be a kind of Viking-warrior-funerary-long-ship-Armada mashup, very atmospheric, maybe a bit of Clannad playing, though that’ll mean a big sound system.

Hello, Alan? Alan? Are you still there?

Poor thing, and he sounded such a nice boy.


2 Responses to “Your call is SO important to me”

  1. 1 Dixons on Dock Green Lane

    Will you be wanting an extended warranty on large sound system ? As it sounds like there will be water involved you’ll be needing accidental damage cover as well …

    • 2 vanessaharriss

      Oh, help, yes. And I was planning on hiring a small crowd to huddle forlornly on the jetty. That’ll mean public liability insurance. Not to mention tea and sangwidges, which’ll mean health and safety inspections and event insurance. Alan? Alan? Come back! I need you…

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