Girls on film

03Sep10

I went to the cinema this week, my first trip in months. I sat there, in the dark, armed with a small but extravagantly priced bag of Munchies (‘That’s two seventy-five please’), eyes wide, waiting for the magic lantern show to begin. Oh dear, I thought, the mood I’m in you can show me any old crap and I’ll love it.

Well, actually, no, not if the trailers were anything to go by. Perhaps it was a bad edit, but Tamara Drew looks dreadful. There was some horrorshite that I wouldn’t watch in a fit, and then finally, an oddity: Helen Mirren, Mary Louise Parker, John Malkovich, Morgan Freeman and Bruce Willis in some silly piece of nonsense called Red, the Movie. Brucie gets top billing, but why? The only draw for me in any of the films trailed lay in the women (though John Malkovich does look gratifyingly unhinged in Red). Helen Mirren and Mary Louise Parker, yes please. Even Tamara Drew might conceivably get me through the doors because Tamsin Greig’s in it.

Helen Mirren, Kristen Scott-Thomas, Jessica Hynes, Emma Thompson, Julia Davis, Sarah Silverman, Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, Meryl Streep, Joan Cusack, Winona Ryder, Isabelle Adjani, possibly Claire Danes, probably Gwyneth Paltrow, then les grandes dames: Marilyn Monroe, Bette Davis, Rita Hayworth, Lauren Bacall, Ginger Rogers – these are all people who could persuade me to buy a ticket. As for the men? Stephen Dillane, Stephen Merchant, Nick Frost, Simon Pegg, John Simm, Michael Sheen (unless he’s in that idiotic vampire thing), and that’s about it. Oh, and Jean-Hugues Anglade, of course, though that’s not going so well at the moment and I don’t want to talk about it.

The only exception to the ladies rule, oddly enough, was the film I was actually going to see that evening, which was Salt. I’m not that bothered about Angelina Jolie. I’m a bit scared of her, to tell the truth. She’s so bad with other people’s husbands. She’s so snarly, so pouty, so pleased with herself. So many children. She’s just a bit much for me. No boundaries. No sense of propriety. And also, apparently, no appetite. I know she’d been in prison in North Korea and everything, but in one of the early scenes she honestly looks skeletal. I wouldn’t have thought it’s that easy to look skeletal in trousers (admittedly I’m guessing here) but Ange manages it. A big plate of shepherd’s pie with peas and a couple of pints of Guinness for you, my girl. And no talking until it’s all gone.

It’s a good film though, very enjoyable. Actiony whiz bang – though a stupid stupid STUPID plot about evil Russians that feels a bit 1985 – and best of all: Liev Schreiber. Oh yes indeed, Stephen, John, Nick, Simon: you’ll have to move up a bit, and say hello to Liev. Because he has earned himself a place on my boys-I-would-buy-a-ticket-for list.

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3 Responses to “Girls on film”

  1. 1 Rebecca

    Mmm. Liev Schreiber …

    • 2 vanessaharriss

      Oh yes, very much so.

  2. Good post. I definitely love this site. Keep it up!


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