Doctor’s orders


Well, it seems they don’t dig out veruccas in the surgery any more, which is disappointing, because I was hoping to leave with something that looked like a chitted potato that I could pickle and use to nauseate my nephew. Instead I was given a bottle of The Strongest Stuff You Can Get, and told to do the old paint/pumice routine until it had sorted itself out. Which is the mere matter of six to 12 weeks. Holy crap! Really?

Mind you, the doc did make a gratifying ‘oh’ noise, and then ‘That’s quite big, isn’t it?’ as he peered at the extension I’d been building since about last September.

Going to the doctor is a bit like shopping for me. In other words, I can’t really be arsed with it so I wait until I have a few things to get. A few weeks ago (prior to the election for sure) the surgery had invited me for a general health check. And since I suspect these freebies are about to evaporate, I decided to sign up for my MOT before the NHS is reduced to gruel and chalking crosses on doors.

I fasted for eight hours because there was a blood test, and so the feeling of virtue with which I had left the house gradually turned to vague and a bit sick. I wasn’t even allowed tea beforehand, and it didn’t occur to me to drink water. The nurse who drew the blood was very jolly ‘You’re not going to chin me, are you?’, stuck the needle in and proddled about but nothing came out. My chair seemed to float free from its moorings. Ah, she said. You’re dehydrated so your veins have sort of collapsed.

That can happen? Oh dear God. Anyway, we tried the left arm and after a bit of Trainspottery slapping and flicking we got two phials of heavily reduced jus. Lovely stock, that would make, I’m sure. Anyway, I tottered off home and wondered if I could drink so much tea it would come out of the holes in my elbows. It didn’t but FYI if you want to try it, you’ll need to drink more than six mugs of it in an hour.

Verily, you are standing on the shoulders of giants.


4 Responses to “Doctor’s orders”

  1. 1 Luckyfiver

    “…because I was hoping to leave with something that looked like a chitted potato ..” and I thank you for that lovely image.

  2. 2 Fred

    Urgh, you used our bathroom with that thing!!!

    • 3 vanessaharriss

      Both bathrooms, and the kitchen and the stairs and the hall, and I tried on every single one of your socks while you weren’t looking…

  3. 4 vanessaharriss

    Sadly, I don’t know whether that was simply a flight of fancy on my part, as it is still hidden from human sight. But once I’ve dug it out I’ll be sure and take a picture – I’m thinking it might be my Christmas card this year…

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